I Hate the Dodgers

August 10th, 2009

I hate the Dodgers because that’s what I was born to do.  But, there are plenty of other good reasons.

I hate the Dodgers because Tommy Lasorda is an uncoordinated, obnoxious fat ass.

I hate the Dodgers because of Eric Gagne.  Remember those retarded Gagne “Game Over” shirts? Funny, I don’t see anyone wearing those these days.  Even more hilarious, is that ebay seller wants $13.99 for that shirt.  Do you get a free bottle of HGH with that shirt?  Amazing how nobody was making suspicions on a guy who’s fastball jumped 10 MPH after a failed career as a starter.

I hate the Dodgers because their organization has welcomed a “Raider Nation” fan mentality at Dodger Stadium.  Actually, that’s a major insult to Raiders fans because they aren’t even this bad.  If you wear an opposing team’s colors, you could get stabbed, or get shot, or, at least, have a beer poured on your head.  The stands in the upper level and bleachers are filled with gang-bangers.  If you look at the story of the stabbing from this year, you’ll find that the stabber, Arthur Alvarez is an unemployed gang member.  Is there any other kind?  And that wasn’t the only incident.  When fans complain to Dodger security, security asks the threatened fans to leave instead of disciplining the hoodlums who are causing this mess.  I can’t believe this isn’t a bigger deal because most Dodger fans do act in a civilized way, and they are disgusted when they hear about these antics.

I hate the Dodgers because some of their fans, again these hoodlum types, are so ignorant that their most used comeback for Giants fans is “faggots” or “homos”.  Amazing how these morons apparently have never visited West Hollywood.

I hate the Dodgers because their fans also use the “at least we won a championship” comeback.  Admittedly, this one hurts, but isn’t there a statute of limitations when you haven’t won one in 21 years?  Or have only won one playoff series in 21 years.  The Rockies have won more playoff series than the Dodgers in the last two decades.

I hate the Dodgers because of Ross Porter.  When I was going to college in L.A., a buddy (dodger fan) and I were heading to a friend’s house to watch the Giants/Dodgers on TV (the Bonds 2-run homer and pirouette game in 1997).  While listening to the pregame on the radio, Porter is discussing who should be on the Dodgers playoff roster.  Even my friend said, “Why is he talking about this right now?”  You have a two-game lead over your rivals with two weeks left in the season, and a huge two-game series against your rival, and you’re talking about the playoff roster and whether Eddie Murray should be on it?  It was sweet, not only because the Giants swept the series and won the division, but because Murray hit into the rally-crushing double play that turned the pivotal second game around.  Thanks, Ross.

I hate the Dodgers because Matt Kemp doesn’t know how to wear a baseball cap.  … and neither does new Dodger douche bag, George Sherrill.

I hate the Dodgers because people think they knocked out the Giants on the final day of the 1993 season.  The fact is, the Giants kicked L.A.’s ass and won the first three games of that series.  The freaking Rockies knocked out the Giants because of their 0-13 record against the Braves that year.  Oh yeah, I hate the Rockies, too.

I hate the Dodgers because, while people acknowledge Joe Morgan’s home run in 1982 and Mike Piazza’s antics in 1993, no one brings up Trevor Wilson’s 2-hit shutout in 1991 that handed the Braves the NL West.

I hate the Dodgers because they play Journey’s Don’t Stop Believin’ at their home games.  Do you morons not realize that Journey was formed in San Francisco, and that Steve Perry is a Giants fan?

I hate the Dodgers because their catcher is French.

I hate the Dodgers because their payroll is always higher than ours.  Last year, it was $42 million.  This year, it’s $18 million.

I hate the Dodgers because Guillermo Mota is a pansy.  Mota is such a wuss that he literally ran away from Piazza in 2003 when he hit him with a pitch.

I hate the Dodgers because of Kevin Freaking Gross.

I hate the Dodgers because they didn’t let Jason Schmidt pitch in this series.

I hate the Dodgers because Kevin Malone is no longer the general manager… or, for that matter, Fred Claire… although Ned Colletti has managed a solid level of suckiness.

I hate the Dodgers because that bastard, Kemp, tracks down every flyball within a 1 mile radius of centerfield.

I hate the Dodgers because their fans think the wave and beach balls are ways to enjoy a game.  Talk about short-attention spans.

I hate the Dodgers because Vin Scully calls grand slams, “grand slam home runs”.  A grand slam is a home run, Vin.  When Eugenio Velez doubles tonight, are you going to call it a two-base double?

I hate the Dodgers because it’s believed to be sacrilegious to make fun of Scully.  The man has been one of the best in the business, but he’s not as good as he once was, and does annoy many people who listen to him for the first time.

Now, I’m not just full of hate.  There some things about the Dodgers that I actually enjoy.

I love that Mota pitches for the Dodgers.  Dear Joe Torre, please pitch Mota at least twice in this series.  Signed, Every Giants Hitter.  Mota is so awful that he’s like a modern-day Omar Daal.

I love that Torre abuses bullpens.  Scott Proctor just called and he wants his arm back.  For all of our complaints about Bruce Bochy, at least he doesn’t wear out a bullpen.

I love that the Dodgers are thinking about calling in Vicente Padilla (aka, one of the Biggest Malcontents in Baseball) to pitch in their rotation.

I love that Eric Karros and Ismael Valdes once got in a fight in the team shower.  I miss Valdes.  He sucked almost as bad as Mota.

I love that Carlos Perez, Jose Offerman, Darren Dreifort, Andruw Jones, and Delino DeShields all played for the Dodgers.  Mention one of these guys to a Dodger fan, and watch the response.  It’s worth the 5-minute tirade.

For that matter, I love the Bonds’ pirouette against the Dodgers and Chan Ho Park.  Sure, I’d be annoyed and pissed off if someone did that against my team, but Bonds’ pirouette represents the unlikely 1997 division-winning team that was giving no shot before the season.  Thanks to college buddies who bet me that season that the Dodgers would finish ahead of the Giants.  Brian Johnson says “Suck It!”

I love that the only trade made in the last decade between the Dodgers and Giants was Mark Sweeney going to L.A. in August, 2007.  During his time as a Dodger, he hit .168 over two seasons.  You guys want to take Rich Aurilia off our hands?

I love the fact that the Dodgers don’t appear to have any discernable personalities (Okay, Manny is different, but mostly just a character in his own world; I have a hard time believing that he thrives in social situations) on their team.  Come on, who would you rather hang out with?  Pablo Sandoval, Juan Uribe, and Tim Lincecum or James Loney, Chad Billingsley, and Casey Blake?  Enough said.  Our guys have nicknames.  Your guys are just numbers.

Finally, I enjoy the fact that the Dodgers are entering the greatest ballpark in the world with a lot of pressure on their shoulders.  If they miss the playoffs (a definite possibility), it would be a colossal choke job.  No matter what happens, at least we can guarantee Dodger fans safety in our ballpark.

Categories: San Francisco Giants | Tags: Andruw Jones, Barry Bonds, Brian Johnson, Bruce Bochy, Carlos Perez, Casey Blake, Chad Billingsley, Chan Ho Park, Darren Dreifort, Delino DeShields, Dodgers, Eddie Murray, Eric Gagne, Eric Karros, Eugenio Velez, Fred Claire, George Sherrill, Giants, Guillermo Mota, Ismael Valdes, James Loney, Jason Schmidt, Joe Morgan, Joe Torre, Jose Offerman, Journey, Kevin Gross, Kevin Malone, Mark Sweeney, Matt Kemp, Mike Piazza, Ned Colletti, Pablo Sandoval, Rich Aurilia, Rockies, Ross Porter, Scott Proctor, Steve Perry, Tommy Lasorda, Trevor Wilson, Vin Scully